You never know when you will be doing something or seeing someone for the last time. Over the last two years I have reflected on this thought often as I have now lost 4 people that were close to me at the time I write this. My most recent loss was my Dad, who passed away just 9 days ago. He had been sick for a long time, and he is now at peace, but that doesn’t make the hurt go away.
Losing a parent is something that really sticks with you. I have lost all my Grandparents and even my Mother and Father in Law. They all hurt and I still miss them all. Losing both my in Laws was terrible and the fact that they were so close together was a lot for the family to bear.
Once my Dad told me that he was no longer doing treatment and that he was terminal I remember that I felt such sadness. I could hear the sadness and defeat in his voice. He had fought so hard and lost so much. My Dad was always a very busy guy that loved to be tinkering around outside and in his garage. He was always on the go, whether he was volunteering, fixing something, working on his train layout, you name it and he was doing it. I remember every time I would stop by he would be outside and would check my car for washer fluid and such. He always wanted to make sure I was safe and reminded me to buckle up.
Once he started Chemo, he wasn’t outside as much as before. He took many naps and grew weaker and weaker. While he had had Chemo before when he was in his 40’s, this time was different. I felt there was something they were not telling me since prostate cancer is very slow growing and he had been dealing with it for some time. At one point he had beat it, so I thought. That was how he was though. He guarded what he shared with us as he didn’t want to burden us. I wish I had known sooner, but honestly what would that done? I like to think I could have changed or influenced him somehow and he would still be here. The truth is that he was in charge of his life, and I respect that. Selfishly I wish he was still here, but I would not want him in pain.
This man taught me much about strength. A man that fought so hard to be around for his family. He took on whatever treatment the doctors wanted him to do and endured so much. He worked tirelessly to finish things around the house so my Mom was taken care of. He prepared paperwork and his final arrangements to make it easier for all of us. He endured terrible fatigue and pain by only taking Tylenol. Yes, he only took Tylenol for Bone Cancer that apparently is the most painful cancer. He literally didn’t take anything else until a week before he passed. Even then he was not sure about it, but he relented as he became paralyzed from the waist down and at that point there was no going back.
I remember stopping in on the Monday of the week he passed, and he was severely ill as his system was shutting down and I just wanted to take his pain away then. I’m so glad that I was able to talk to him and let him know how much he meant to me. I knew he wouldn’t make it much longer, but I had no idea that would be one of the last conversations we would have.
People often say that life is so precious and live each moment as your last, but we are not always thinking about our mortality. Honestly, I am not sure I would want to think about it all the time. However, losing people that are close to you changes you. Especially when it is a parent. Nothing prepares you for it. Being there by their side when they take their last breath is a blessing as painful as it is. My dad was there for my first breath, and I was thankful to be there for his last.
Go Easy Dad.
Love and Peace, Gena